4 Signs of an Unhealthy Sex Life in Gay Relationships


As a clinician who specializes in working with the LGBTQ+ community, I often have conversations around healthy sex. Growing up, many of us had the “birds and the bees” talk, but not many had “birds and birds” or “bees and bees” talks.

Like we all know, healthy sex can be an incredibly emotional event, and it can be an experience of pure physical pleasure. In my office, however, one of the most frequent conversations I have is around unhealthy sex lives. After specializing in the field for nearly 10 years, I have identified four common signs that your sex life may be unhealthy.

1.     Obligation & Guilt

Many clients, who are looking for love and so hopeful they’ll find it, tell me that they are fierce in their flirtation. After creating too much emotional momentum and hinting at things they only wanted in their fantasies, my clients often feel guilty for luring someone with tempting words. They can’t shut down the sexual momentum, even when things start to feel uncomfortable, because they feel responsible for creating it in the first place. Whatever the context, whether it be a game of flirtation, a long-standing relationship, or a short-term hookup, going through with a sexual act out of obligation will lead to guilt at least and shame at most, for you and your sexual partner(s).

A major component of creating a healthy sex life is presenting the authentic self and being willing to say, “No.” Speak honestly about what you really want and don’t want right from the beginning. This will set a tone of honesty and authenticity for your relationships.

2.     Resentment

For many of us, sex and emotional intimacy are deeply tied. In fact, the same neural system that houses the sexual orgasm also hosts anxiety, anger, aggression, and trauma. In other words, relational pain and resentment towards your partner can override your neural system, making sensuality, sex, and the sexual orgasm nearly impossible.

Resentment builds when we bottle up feelings of being unsatisfied, isolated, unimportant, or when we tolerate unfairness for too long. These relational pain points will grow into full-blown resentment, and this, in my opinion, is the number one agent that will shut down anybody’s sex life. So, whatever your pain may be, your one job is to talk about it constructively with your partner(s). Then and only then will your sex life have the option of returning to hot passion. I always tell my clients, “You have to protect your relationship from your resentment,” and I mean it.

3.     The silent transaction

Being held, feeling valued, and getting affirmation during sex can often mimic true safety. In the heated moments of sexual passion, we tell ourselves that our sexual partner will forever be the one who will provide relational security. In fact, hormones are released and areas in the brain are activated during sex specifically to deliver the message of belonging to the body, but because many of us perpetually crave to feel connected, we may prematurely ‘give’ our sense of belonging, security, and value to our sexual partner(s) in a silent transaction that happens [unknowingly] during sex.

If this transaction has happened in an unhealthy way, it leaves one partner feeling too tied, too needy, or too dependent. Their partner won’t engage emotionally at the same depth or intensity, because they have no clue that they now hold the other’s safety and security. As a result, many wonder why sex “always ruins the relationship.” To avoid the unhealthy passing of your emotional stability, It doesn’t mean you need to be monogamous, committed, or married; it just means you need to understand the emotional depths to which all people involved are ready and wanting to go. Before you hand over your heart, make sure your partner(s) are ready to hold it.

4.     Self-esteem booster

Sex is often a nice little elixir that medicates our loneliness or insecurities. And many of us feel a whoosh of self-esteem when we can get someone ‘like that’ to sleep with us. Placing emphasis on sex, we often confuse sexual acceptance for relational belonging. The confusion will leave us hunting for sex because it helps us believe we are truly worthy. For many of us, this hunt persists for years. It can even be our default setting if gone unchecked. We may have a glorious and adventurous sex life, capturing the trophy types and the model-esque, and yet we can remain confused as to why we can’t find true, long-lasting love.

But when we start by cultivating self-esteem, we don’t need others in the same way; we know how beautiful we are and what we’re worth without needing someone to prove it to us.

Obviously, sex is a beautiful thing—but it can very easily ruin relationships. Let sex be something that adds joy and satisfaction to your relationship, not the pillar that sustains you or your self-esteem.

Posted on May 3, 2019 .

Relationships Hurt: Emotional Cravings Part 3


As we enter relationships we are come equipped with a dominating guidebook for our emotional cravings, their roles, and when they are appropriate. We all have these emotional guidebooks because they come from childhood.

My childhood neighbor was a rough and tough, tumbling G.I. Joe-loving little kid. We would play for hours, mostly me trying to understand his world.

I really couldn’t understand the allure of an action figure, but whatever I played I did it because I longed to fit in. As a boy with significant insecurities around boyhood, I was just glad to have a friend.

Soon enough my friend, Eric, would enter the jock crowd. He would pick other playmates during games of baseball and ignored me as I walked down the hall.

After being teased daily for being a “faggot,” I simply craved to have the protection of another boy my age. Would anyone come to my side, validate my boyhood, and welcome me to the place where I belonged…the boy world?

When puberty settled in I started to crave protection in a much more profound and sacred way. I dreamed of my other. My innocent fantasy told me that he would want to be by my side. And when my emotional craving for protection led me to romantic attractions to other boys, I felt incredibly dirty. 

My emotional craving to be protected was labeled by my church as a perversion and by boys as gay, the derogated type.

But watching shame distort our emotional cravings is something we all do. 

Emily, one of my clients, had a brother with a sever mental disability and she was scolded for being too energetic and laughing too loudly. Emily was taught that her innocent emotional cravings for fun and joy were wrong. So in relationships she was stoic. She would often cry on my couch, grieving the part of herself that used to feel alive.

Every time Mark approached his father with the hopes of securing emotional intimacy, Mark’s father would complain that Mark was in the way. And Mark wondered why he had incredible feelings of discomfort whenever he tried to open up to his partner. He was frustrated that only vulnerability he could share comfortably was buying gifts and doing deeds around the house.

Because of Emily and Mark’s childhood environment, they had significant shame binds wrapped around their emotional cravings; Emily felt shame for being joyful and Mark was shamed for wanting connectedness.

In other words, to use Pia Mellody’s language, we carry many shame binds around some of our innocent emotional desires. Your shame bind will take on a life of its own-without your consent-and may distort the way you see yourself as a relational being.

Essentially, when we’ve received negative feedback about our emotional cravings we’ll play the script over and over as we progress in our relationships. In this light, the distortions of emotional desires actually prevent us from engaging in relationships with freedom, reciprocity, and vulnerability.

Although many shame binds can be undone with awareness and practice, the hardest part is allowing them to be reclassified as innocent.

It is hard to redefine the cravings of your heart in a way that bolsters your new relationships, as opposed to letting it leave feeling inferior.

As a means to redefining your emotional cravings, practice trusting that your partner won’t be overwhelmed by your joy, or that you won’t be rejected when you ask your loved ones for relational intimacy.

After several years of rehearsing the script that told me I didn’t belong, I tried something new. I ask the men of my life to listen to my history of using a self-deprecating dialogue. They helped me understand who I am once they learned how hurt I had been. Some of them went road biking with me, and others shopping. I was able to cry and laugh with them. We had shallow conversations and deep ones, too. Overtime, I felt cherished. But mostly I was able to learn that I belonged, I just needed new teachers. 

Trusting someone with the vulnerable parts of who you are, especially after they’ve been wrapped in a shame bind, will be utterly frightening. But trust me, you’ll be glad you did. Relational stability and freedom are priceless and well worth the fight. 

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Would you like help with LBBTQ+ issues? Live in the Denver area? Visit my clinic's website iAmClinic.org

Posted on October 17, 2016 .

Emotional Cravings Part 2: A Distorted View


Through the lens of an awakened consciousness, the freedom from the “obligation” to the flesh (Romans 8:12-13) is not perfect physical behaviors (the thing most of us call righteousness). Rather, freedom from the flesh occurs when we deconstruct the distortion and realize that our heart is always pure. In this new light, we are able to choose behaviors that match the value of our emotional cravings…because we now know how beautiful our desires are!"

Posted on October 12, 2016 .

Your Emotional Desires Are Always Clean: Emotional Cravings Part 1

"Emotional cravings, I began to notice, were not my demise, they were God’s blueprints tucked into my soul. When I followed my emotional cravings I was following God’s plan." 

"Emotional cravings, I began to notice, were not my demise, they were God’s blueprints tucked into my soul. When I followed my emotional cravings I was following God’s plan." 

After a night of drinking and driving I would slip my key into the lock. It was always my turn to open up shop on Friday mornings. I had to be there early enough to test the blood alcohol content of all the DUI offenders.

I would show up with bloodshot eyes and embarrassment smattered all over my face. How could it be that I was a substance abusing, seminary student working to rehabilitate DUI offenders?

After work I would dash to my own therapy sessions. I would talk of my own emotional needs with my counselor, questioning their validity. A good Christian, I often heard, didn’t and shouldn’t “need” anything but the Lord. It was easy to believe my emotions were damaged, since my own emotional needs always led me down the wrong path.

My own emotional cravings were the anatomy of the flesh that I should learn to live without.

But my view has changed.

Now I see that the majority of Christians have been too quick to call emotional cravings pathology. We have literally split ourselves from, well, ourselves.

I can’t help but to be astonished when I hear sermons where emotional cravings are characterized as the internal vehicle that drives us away from God. We have really lost the fact that God gives us the desires of our heart (Proverbs 3:5-8 & Psalms 37:4).

I used to think that God was like Santa Clause, delivering the desires of my heart. Being clean enough -ensuring my name staid on the good list- and having quiet times was going to keep God in the overnight line at the post office.

As I realized that my good behaviors weren’t forcing God to slide down the chimney and deliver my emotional needs, I had to seriously question the foundation of my faith. 

Like a two-by-four whacking me in the head, I realized that God was not sending me the gifts for which I asked. But I came to understand that God had planted the original desire in my heart, and it was my job to seek the materialized version for which my heart craved.

"God had planted the original desire in my heart, and it was my job to seek the materialized version for which my heart craved!"

God didn’t give me a gift, he gave me the craving itself. Like seeds holding all of the genetic coding for every aspect of how the tree would blossom, so too are our emotional desires. All of our cravings are packed into our heart from day one.

In this way, then, growing up meant watching that seed blossom into full-fledged, God-given, innocent desires. God had given me the desires of my heart and I could feel them growing, reaching their way to the surface. What was most spectacular during this revelation, even though it is incredibly simple, was that I was experiencing God’s heart when I experienced my own emotional cravings.

Emotional cravings, I began to notice, were not my demise, they were God’s blueprints tucked into my soul. When I followed my emotional cravings I was following God’s plan.

I didn’t need to follow some random, intangible path with a finicky compass that God would flip on and off whenever pleasing. The plan that God has for me, for us, is to follow the emotional cravings of our heart…that were planted within our essence.

“But what about the desires for porn or the desires for midnight chocolate cake that I get? These are my emotional desires, the cravings of my heart. Some emotional cravings can lead us away from God,” some might say.  

Not so fast!

Underneath every craving that leads to a shaming behavior has its origin in an innocent desire.

Porn: the craving to feel powerful, seen, acceptable, desired, and thrill.

Midnight chocolate cake: the desire for pleasure, comfort, reprieve, and safety.

We have to move beyond judging our physical behaviors so that we have time to stop and peak at our emotional cravings. What really is the primary motivation for wanting to look at porn?

It’s not like we’re only craving to do something wrong and dirty. It’s not just about having a sexual experience. It’s not just about a cancerous selfishness festering in your heart.

It could very well be, and most likely is, that an innocent emotional craving has become associated with a shaming human behavior.

Remember, the God-given emotional cravings that have been screaming in the heart of one who looks at porn are innocent: the craving to feel powerful, seen, acceptable, desired, and thrill. How innocent are those!

So here’s my thought:

After spending countless hours working with clients and examining my own emotional plane, I have come to believe that our emotional cravings are God’s way of leading us to an authentic life where we can experience freedom, joy, and congruence. But when they become overshadowed by the shaming behavior, we allow them to be called wrong.

But its time the Church make peace with the desires of the flesh, because they're from God

God gave you the desires of your heart. Identify them. Memorize their callings from within your body. Respect them. And meet their needs with healthy innocent resources that leave you feeling proud and liberated, not guilty.

Our desires have been present from the time we were born. Watch them blossom and let them guide you forward.

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Posted on October 3, 2016 .

My Response to A Conservative Christian: Unconditional Love

I have come to believe, at many instances unwillingly, that my attractions for men are an expanded way of observing God’s love expressed through humanity- another pure form of general revelation. 

I have come to believe, at many instances unwillingly, that my attractions for men are an expanded way of observing God’s love expressed through humanity- another pure form of general revelation. 

Original conversation stemming from my Huffington Post piece.

Dear Dr. Brown,

As a high school student I was a strong advocate for sexual purity, making a big deal out of the covenant ring I sported. I was zealous in my fight to protect sacred convictions from any form of secular contamination.

And so it is important for me to answer your first question. You ask, “…how can we ‘build relational and religious paradigms free of hate’ when you are branding our sacred convictions as hateful?

I believe that all convictions, even those of the conservative church, are not hateful, in and of themselves. They are always essentially pure. Like the innocence of that covenant ring-sporting teenager, we just want to do the right thing.

So although I don’t label conservatives’ sacred convictions hateful, I do distinguish sacred convictions from the behaviors with which one chooses to defend those convictions.  

The fear of many conservative Christian parents, with whom I work, is that unconditional love will create a crack in the container that keeps their convictions stable. Sorrowfully, unconditional love has become synonymous with moral compromise. 

And this seems to connect us to question two: “…if we cannot have real fellowship with professing Christians whom we believe are practicing sin… how can we have true fellowship with you if we believe you are living in sin?

I have spent years working with families comprised of conservative Christian parents and LGBT+ children. These families are often trapped in a cycle of relational ambivalence perpetuated by: 1) a deep desires to experience connectedness and 2) the anger created when their loved one cannot agree with their moral perspective.    

Many parents choose to cut all ties with their children. The “moral compromise” of the children is too great. They indirectly answer the question, “Is there anything your child could do to make you stop loving them?” Their answer is an angry and prideful, “Yes!”

There are also conservative parents who demonstrate unconditional love- a love that supersedes their children’s actions and dogmatic statements. These parents feel comfortable in tension because they’re familiar with the process of spiritual development at work in their children’s lives.

Such parents are able to compassionately accompany their children’s journeys without feeling threatened by their relational or sexual decisions.

God does this for all of us daily. In fact, I believe unconditional love is one of the effects of spiritual maturation, not spiritual degradation. Unconditional love is the fundamental orthopraxy of Christianity, not its end.

In this way, I hope that all Christians- including you and I- will recreate unconditional love, regardless of one another’s actions or dogmas. Creating this side-by-side fellowship, or emotional intimacy, is the way we will build relational and religious paradigms free of hate.

I believe unconditional love is capable of allowing a vast diversity of opinions to coexist within its power.

I’ll tie this answer to my response to question three: “…since you identify as bisexual, what stops you from affirming your heterosexual attraction as God-given and your homosexual attraction as fleshly, whatever its cause or root?

I do not deny my attractions for men because I do not consider them sinful, but a blessing equal to my attractions for women. My attractions are part of my flesh, but this is no different than the innocent attractions of the straight woman or man. I’ll explain.

As a psychotherapist trained at conservative seminary by conservative psychologists, proving conversion therapy’s successfulness was my life’s mission. As a result, I spent many hours studying biblical passages, reviewing psychological research, and listening to my sincere Christian clients’ experiences of human sexuality- behaviorally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.  

I have come to believe, at many instances unwillingly, that my attractions for men are an expanded way of observing God’s love expressed through humanity- another pure form of general revelation.

So, being made to love the same gender and being loved precisely because I’m attracted to the same gender are God’s expressions of unconditional love- those expressions covering the spectrum from creative design (sexual orientation) to human orthopraxy (falling in love, even same-gender romantic love).

And so we arrive at your fourth question: “…what do you say to those who are ex-gay? Do you embrace their stories and thank God for their transformation, or do you deny their stories and even call them liars or self-deceived?

Several of my clients who initially presented for unwanted same-gender attractions have fallen in love with someone of the opposite sex. They have expressed their love through sexual intimacy, and reported that sex has been extremely gratifying. And I genuinely rejoice with them.

I would never call people who fall in love ‘liars’ or ‘self-deceived.’ In fact, I embrace their stories because the experience of love, true love, is equally pure among all- even those who have attractions for the opposite sex, same gender, and those who have experienced an augmentation in their emotional cravings. 

What I mean here is that when many conservatives see a shift in the gender one dates, with whom one has sex, or with whom one falls in love, they easily call it a conversion or confuse external changes as a transformation of sexual orientation or a deliverance from homosexuality.

But what we’re actually seeing is their full, and until then latent, array of emotional desires creating changes in their external, relational world.

So while examining the fluidity of human sexuality, I think it unwise to call their new demonstrations of love a transformation. Language like this mischaracterizes one's emotional cravings, limits our understanding of sexual orientation, and may prohibit one’s ability to experience ‘God is love’ in its most authentic form.

To many, my responses will sound like the contamination to which I have previously fought against. And to many others they will peacefully reinforce self-understandings.

As I mentioned in my initial letter, I am not hoping that conservative Christians see it my way. I am not positioning my side of a debate.

I am, however, hoping that by empathizing with my perspectives conservative Christians will replace hatred- as a way to defend sacred convictions- with unconditional love. Doing so will literally save lives. Let us not forget that 49 have been buried because a learned hatred evolved into violence.

Thank you for your questions. I look forward to more discourse.


Isaac Archuleta

Posted on July 22, 2016 .

Christian Counselor Encourages Homosexuality Calling it 'Diversity'

"I know the voices of my critics very well. Their critique of my diversity helped cultivate the shame that spoon-fed me the message, 'I am a broken boy.' But I’ve also lost my way and found the magic that points me toward God,  which means I ultimately find myself over and over again."

"I know the voices of my critics very well. Their critique of my diversity helped cultivate the shame that spoon-fed me the message, 'I am a broken boy.' But I’ve also lost my way and found the magic that points me toward God, which means I ultimately find myself over and over again."

My 11 year-old nephew was driving with me in the car two weeks ago. He plugged his mother’s pass-me-down iPhone 5 into the stereo. Periodically looking at one another with smiles, we bobbed our heads in matching rhythm.

He rocked a Justin Bieber snap-back while I waved my hands in the air.

We both adore one another and this is a glimpse into the sweet spot we’ve co-created over the years. We just let one another be. His child-likeness reminds me how to be genuine, and I give him the freedom to be authentic when I enter his world matching his energy.

In between Toby Mac and Flo Rida, my nephew turned down the music bringing us back to reality. “My mom said that you might marry a man. Is that true?” he asked me.

Advocating for the inclusion of all people-and all versions of love-I replied with a normalizing, “Yes, I might.”

“Can I marry a man, too?” he questioned. Again, with a normalizing tone, and the pressure to aid in the construction of his shame-less worldview, I replied by giving him freedom to be authentic one more time. “You can marry whoever you fall in love with. The trick is to follow your own heart,” I told him

After he understood that he was free to love whomever activated his heart and body, he turned up the volume, this time with Daft Punk:

“Every body will be dancing and will be doing it right…
If you lose your way tonight
That’s how you know the magic’s right.”

I couldn’t help but think that only when we feel lost are we truly secure. So in the way of losing a safe heterosexist way of life- and an appeasing version of myself to present to the world-do I know that the magic is right. Feeling lost is the course correction that points me home and I know I’m on a spiritual journey (Matthew 10:39). 

Daft Punk reminded me of Richard Rohr who penned these words, “People who’ve had any genuine spiritual experience always know that they don’t know. They are utterly humbled before mystery.”

A “genuine spiritual experience” is an awakening that feels like the rug has pulled out from underneath your feet. Those proverbial rugs are the pillars of false security by which we name ourselves and rely on for temporal sustenance. While steadfast, pillars of false security keep us from discovering the authenticity inherent to God's creative design. 

A hidden sexual identity or calling one another sinners are true pillars of false security. Hiding and judging can surely be the trap of shame, yet the refuge protecting you from ridicule. What a false version of acceptance to which we’ve become accustomed.  


When it’s a true spiritual experience we realize what we 'didn't know' about true security- the security that is reinforced from within, not by other's approval. We also don’t know where we’ll land. In these moments, we’re humbled by the mystery of God’s love- the liberating love that perpetually invites authenticity. 

What a brilliant way to demonstrate creative authority and unconditional belonging. Makes sense to me. No artist wants to see their masterpiece hanging upside-down or tucked behind protective walls that force its secrecy. 

But sometimes you have to dance with an 11 year-old who loves you to death to remember that being intentionally diverse was the sovereign plan all along. 

For many Christians my words will sound offensive and flat-out heretical. How can a bisexual uncle talk so openly and comfortably about homosexuality to his 11 year-old nephew? How can a Christian encourage homosexuality?

I know the voices of my critics very well. Their critique of my diversity helped cultivate the shame that spoon-fed me the message, “I am a broken boy.”

But I’ve also lost my way and found the magic that points me toward God, which means I ultimately find myself over and over again.

Self-discovery is never about latching onto pride so that we can feel confident by our performances that keep others happy. Self-discovery is about humbly making peace with our diversity- the diversity that let’s God’s creativity be true, even if it’s knit into our biology, temperament, gender, or emotional cravings (Psalms 139:13).

I wonder, what would happen to our world if we started referring to God by the name of Diversity?

Would we respect others more? Would we then understand freedom and love with more depth than any generation before us? I believe so.

If we could see Diversity as God’s face shinning on this planet we would be less inclined to conform and judge or more connected to the true confidence of ‘I AM' (Exodus 3:14).

This is our work at iAmProject: reshaping the way I AM shines on earth by remembering the basics of God’s creative design. iAmProject is here to reclaim God’s diversity so that we can all love ourselves first, so we can love our neighbor fully.

As a means to launch this brand new baby, iAmProject, we are offering a free launch party on May 7th at the Holiday Theatre on 32nd and Clay. We’ll have a live art demonstration, live music, and a FREE cocktail hour! For more information visit us at ThisIsiAmProject.com.


Posted on March 30, 2016 .

When will it be my turn to find love?

"Even harder, how do we let ourselves live in confidence as God’s wonderfully created, LGBTQ children?"

"Even harder, how do we let ourselves live in confidence as God’s wonderfully created, LGBTQ children?"

Most Christian LGBTQ persons are aware that they have been rejected on some level. Friends and family distance themselves because we “chose the gay lifestyle” or because of their religious discomfort with a same-gender version of love.

In this light, many of us have spent years, and countless interactions, protecting moms and dads from our being out, specifically because we are afraid of hurting their feelings.

Our history with relationships helps us feel as though we are categorized for a love-less life.

As we launch into dating, we feel that being gay and Christian not only limits our options for dating by 1,000 degrees, but that finding a healthy partner is even harder.

Its like the universe is playing a joke on us- a very cruel joke. 

In such a relational desert, many of my friends, clients, and fellow Christians begin to wonder if they really have something to offer another. “If I was really special, spectacular, or attractive, someone would want me,” we berate ourselves. We spin in shame and confusion as to why family, friends, or a romantic partners seem to stay at bay. 

Whether it is the distancing of loved ones or the loneliness of dating, many of us begin to feel hopeless. And our relational esteem suffers.

How do we understand that our relational offering is more accurately evaluated when we are being authentic and not when we perform some dating call like elk during autumn? Even harder, how do we let ourselves live in confidence as God’s wonderfully created, LGBTQ children?

#IntentionallyWoven, which meets teleconference style, begins on August 25th of 2016 AT 6 PM MT. We will explore how to understand our relational esteem, that which makes us invaluable, from God’s creative design perspective. We will examine the development of human sexuality from a clinical/religious standpoint, how shame distorts our self- and relational-esteem, as well as how to live in confidence.

The goal of the teleconference group is to understand how to create healthy relationships and live in the long-lasting love for which you crave.

Want to know more? We'll send you all the specifics, a FREE Relational Esteem guide, and details right to your inbox! 

Starting August 25th - 6 to 7:30 PM Mountain Time

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Posted on February 3, 2016 .

6 Ways to Argue that Produce Long-lasting Love

"We were driving across the autobahn in East Germany. As the tires sang along to the cadence of the highway's cement slabs, I found that my heart rate matched the hurried tempo. I was fuming in the passenger seat. My boyfriend and I were vacationing and I was a shadow, following him around on his dream vacation. I sat pouting because I was always sacrificing my desires to ensure his happiness. 

The annoyance in his brow told me that my passive-aggression had been seen, but it was working against me. He began poking at my wall of frustration. With rage in his voice and anger in his eyes he yelled, "You love to argue!" I was being blamed for feeling insignificant, but maybe I deserved it. All he could see was my behavior, not my true desire to feel cherished. 

Many think that a couple which doesn't argue has it all figured out. As a professional counselor, I'd say those who argue well are the ones who have found the true answers. These couples use open communication to avoid resentment and maturity to advocate for necessary changes. 

Like me on that European vacation, many of us are desperate for signs of being loved, signs that are communicated with behaviors more than words. Someone can tell me they love me all day, yet refuse to understand the emotional cravings of my heart. Even though the words are spoken, I will still feel valueless when my partner doesn't take time to see me from the inside out. 

So here are 6 ways to make sure your loved one feels loved: 

1. Negative control isn't control. It will leave you powerless.
Negative control is a tactic that cons your significant other into meeting your emotional needs. It is the silent treatments, the pouting, or the heavy sighs that communicate a message of needing some sort of attention. When we use negative control we trap ourselves into getting our needs met out of coercion and insincerity. Essentially, we trap ourselves in the actor/actress role and rob our partners from expressing their love organically. The fruits of negative control are never sustainable. In other words, forcing the response we desire will work in the short-term, but we'll always remain hungry for an authentic demonstration of expressed love..."


Read the Rest on The Huffington Post

Posted on February 2, 2016 .

Conservative Parents and Gay Children: 3 Ways to Survive the Holidays


"I was a 26-year-old seminary student in the midst of coming out. Depression had arrested my personality and I was furious at God. I was drowning in waters of anxiety and worry. Seeing myself toil over my sexuality, my mother responded to my angst. Without my knowing, she invited my boyfriend and his parents over for the holidays.

My mother greeted them in one of those moments that felt like a hundred years. She was hugging his mother. I was elated to be her son, yet simultaneously terrified that I was too needy. I worried that I was wasting credit with her. It was as if I was spending my last $20 on the old carnival game, whack-a-mole.

Yet there my mother stood in solidarity. She was going to be my pillar of security.

I have to say that she was not steadfast because she approved of my gay relationship. She's a conservative Christian pastor and my sexual orientation leaves her a bit uncomfortable. Her gesture wasn't a statement of acceptance for my choice to date men. Her role as my mother came first. She was my mom no matter what reality was created by my development. She was accepting the role of love and not that of fear..."

Read the rest on Huffington Post

Posted on December 17, 2015 .

Coming Out: A Hurdle Over Fear

She would wash my favorite outfit. It was a sweat-pant assemble from the mid 80’s. Folding my blue sweat bottoms and gray top with a panda bear, my Aunt Pearl sang a song with joy. I was full of laughter.


She would play hide and seek with me, hiding me in her pantry. And when her son, my older cousin would open the door I would explode with laughter and surprise. We were all filled with happiness. It was in her company, as a boy that I felt incredibly special. She wanted me near. She enjoyed my smile. And she loved my company. I felt like a precious gem.

Sometimes, however, coming out of the closet isn’t full of such intimate sincerity.

rom the political Huckabee-Types to the the anti-gay preachers, sexual orientation has become something divisive. The conversation around: 1) those of us who have come out, 2) the LGBTQ persons who wish to marry, and 3) our religious and political equality are spoken of as though our liberty deconstructs the foundation of societal safety. 


In this realm the angry rhetoric of the fearful majority will reinforce, for many, feeling safe in the hidden shadows of secrecy. The worst part of homophobia, I’m afraid, is when the fear of the heterosexists voice turns into anger and the result is an internalized fear within the closeted soul. Homophobia is truly affective when it has taught someone to hate him or herself, to hate their very innocent desire to belong.  

Some will tell the out and closeted that our desire for love is damaged. Many churches will tell us that our love is disordered. And others will say that our gender identity is misaligned or altogether disgusting.

The politicians who are enraged by marriage equality cannot understand that their voice works against the message of a better America for which they campaign. The religious leaders, who preach for unity and love, cannot understand that their fight against the LGBTQ person is the very fight against the love for which they toil to inspire.

And in the realm, many of us out LGBTQ have experienced the most horrific and petrifying conversations with our parents. Many of our parents chose to respond with anger, cutting words, and religious passages. We leave the room seriously questioning if they still love us. We’re petrified in these moments.  

Mom and Dad, when we invite you into our lives, where we expereiencs love, joy, romance, and a place that feels like an emotional home, we’re not asking for you to sign our permission slip. We’re not bulling you into compromising your morals. All we’re asking is that you love us and show a willing desire to be in our lives, no matter if that life looks differently than yours. We aren’t demanding you to celebrate, we aren’t bulling you into seeing things our way. Most deeply, all we want is to feel like your cherished child.

Many forget that their distain for or fight against the LGBTQ community is the direct shaming of the people who comprise that community. They many fail to acknowledge, that regardless of their fight we are all made for loving connectedness.

From the first moments of life, we are primed for bonding- a connection to our parent that will endure through time and space. And as we grow and sprout into reality we are forever preparing for and creating a script that will direct our relationships. At the very bottom of our core is a beckoning- we desire to abide with another. This desire sings its tune all the way through our core and flows out into our interactions.

When a straight person says that they, “…just don’t get it” I wish they would make acquaintance with their own sexuality. The straight, bi, queer, gay, and lesbian sexualities all look different in our physical context, but operate the same on the spiritual plane. When the religious leader calls the trans woman a monster, I wish he would become familiar with his own gender identity. Her femininity is, in part, the essence of his core, as well.

On the surface we might all look differently, we might behave uniquely, and we surely act within a variety. But at the core of our spectacular existence is the same fundamental beauty to belong, secure love, and offer love to another.

So for those who live in secrecy; for those who are dying to come out may I inspire you to be free.

Your gender identity is not a threat. Your sexual orientation is primarily a relational orientation to belong and create an emotional home. The attractions within your body, the energy of your gender, and the call to create relational security is divine, and I use that word purposefully.

Do not deny yourself love any longer. Do not let the voice of the angry right scare you into being small. But most importantly don’t use their voice on yourself. Refrain from the tendency to hate yourself with the condemning voice they’ve used to shame you.

Your love is beautiful. Your desire to belong is pure. Your ability to love another is a gift to those around you. You deserve not to live in the shadows of malice, fear, and persecution. But to be liberated by the messages of love, those that teach you, “I am enough. I am worth it. I have something to offer.”

On National coming out day, may you stand confident in your ability to love and compassionate as you let the love of others saturate the fabric of your soul. 

Posted on October 11, 2015 .