*Unpacking the second way we break our own trust from a Sex, Grinder, and Breaking Your Own Trust
A client once sat in my chair. He was gorgeous, physically and emotionally. He was tall, muscular, had deep soulful eyes, and a smile that could persuade anyone into love. He was deeply sincere, empathetic, and wonderfully attentive. In his inherent role, he was the perfect catch. Unfortunately, he downloaded a false story.
He talked of life with his parents. “I know they loved me, but I always felt like they could instantly switch from love to pure distain. I felt like I their approval was conditional,” he would tell me.
A sliding door love: One minute he belonged, having permissible access to his parents. And when he made a mistake, they would slam the door, isolating him with nothing but his guilt.
With tears pouring down his face and anxiety like a revving motor in his body, this man believed that his entire being was something disposable. He felt like a pretty shell with no offering. He believed that if someone saw “what his parents did” no one would ever want him. He was a sexual addict, sleeping with several people a day.
Protecting himself from another slam of the door, my client used his good looks and sex, as though they were rocks wedged in the door’s tracks. He used a MacGyver trick to stop that door from slamming, finding nothing but temporal approval.
He wasn't addicted to sex; he was addicted to proving that someone wouldn't slam that door in his face. He was addicted to affirmation.
He thought that if people could see his stunning body he would eventually find someone who wouldn't leave him.
Like my client, we take another’s immature door slamming (e.g., their jealousy, rage, silent treatments, disapproving facial expressions, cheating, etc.) as a personal statement about our worth.
In my office I hear downloaded stories like:
“It was my fault; I couldn’t keep their attention.”
“If they see the real me, I’ll be rejected.”
“I’ll be alone forever.”
“I need someone to take care of me.”
“They don’t like (Fill in the Blank) about me.”
Our self-concept is full of all the false messages we downloaded. And we think they are true!
Becoming so consumed with how to make someone stay close, we’ll forget to identify what gifts we have to offer, how we feel, what we need, and our sacred purpose. We may also hide from any meaningful version of emotional, physical, or spiritual intimacy.
And this is how we break our own trust: We watch ourselves become some anxious, doubting, someone-will-love-me-if-I… versions of ourselves. All we want is for someone to swipe-right us.
In this posture many of us opt for better makeup, higher heels, bigger muscles, spectacular body pics, a better story to pitch, stunning intelligence, or a bigger cave full of porn or substances.
Find healthy people to give you true feedback. More importantly, independently identify what is perfect and everlasting about your self…and then believe it. Trusting yourself means trusting the reality of your worth, not the story you’ve downloaded.